Osaka's Quest
by Ryououki
Summary: In feudal Japan, princess Chiyo has been kidnapped by a terrible ogre! Searching for a way to save her, an unlikely hero has been found. That hero is... Osaka? Maybe someone made a mistake...


Osaka's Quest

Prologue/Chapter 1/Epilogue: What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

A long, long time ago, on the outskirts of a small village in the shadow of a modest castle was a pathetic little shack amidst a few patchwork fields. One of these fields was filled with purple, oblong vegetables. All of the eggplants seemed to be in pristine condition with the exception of a cluster of plants around a young peasant girl wielding a hoe. She struggled to lift the hoe, but was unable to so much as raise the heavy tool to the level of her head. As her strength gave out, the sharp blade of the how split yet another eggplant into pieces. "It ain't no use," the peasant conceded as she rested against the hated tool. "Ah can't do it." As she worked to catch her breath and recuperate, a steady rumble turned her attention towards her meager shack. There she spied a few people on horseback as one of them pointed in her direction. The group rode their mounts right through the young woman's fields, crushing all of the eggplants along the way.

As the three horsemen rallied in front of the farmer girl, a woman dressed in light, leather armor sporting a bob cut pointed at her. "You, are you the one they call Osaka?" she demanded.

"Some ah tha folks 'round here call me that," Osaka affirmed. "Ah don't really know why."

The woman nodded. "We seek an individual that speaks in a strange manner. I am told that person is you."

"Well, Ah guess some ah tha folks have said that mah accent is kinda strange," Osaka confirmed.

"Kaorin, you can't be serious," a man on the horsewoman's right grumbled as he looked at the waif of a girl. "We need a warrior, not some weird farm girl."

"Our orders are to find the person with a strange manner of speech. Not a warrior," Kaori claimed as she turned back to Osaka. "You will come with us. The lady and lord of the land demand your presence."

"All right," Osaka easily agreed as she carelessly dumped her hoe in the field. "Do Ah get tah ride on a horse?"

Kaori hesitated a moment as she glanced about. With a sigh she extended her hand towards the dirty farmer. "Time is of the essence. We must make haste to the castle." She pulled Osaka up onto the horse and coaxed the smaller girl's arms around her waist. "Hold on!" she urged as she snapped the horse's reigns, propelling the animal back towards the castle.

After a ride that was far too bumpy for Osaka's taste, Kaori led the peasant deep into the castle. She came to a stop outside of a room guarded by a duo of naginata-wielding women. The confident and assertive messenger suddenly seemed rather nervous. "Nyamo, Yukari, I-I brought the person that Lady Sakaki requested," she announced to the guards. "Do you think… I mean, is it okay if I presented her to Lady Sakaki myself?"

The nearest guard gave Kaori a sympathetic look. "They only wish to see the person that can save their daughter," Nyamo denied. "They want to see her immediately."

Kaori slumped as she suddenly lost all of her enthusiasm. "Go on," she urged in a deadpan tone as she pushed Osaka forward.

The next thing Osaka knew, she was standing in a large room in front of a very tall woman and strange, yellow cat. She immediately identified them as the lord of the land and his wife, Lady Sakaki. Not sure what to do, she just stood there and smiled.

"This…" the oversized, strange cat said in a drawn out, measured tone before exploding into anger as his body shifted colors to red. "This is supposed to be the warrior that will save my daughter?!"

"Uh-uh, Ah, um, Ah don't know anythin' about all that," Osaka claimed as she held up her hands. "Kaorin just dragged me here. Ah don't know what Ah'm supposed tah do!"

"Where is the seer? Bring her here!" the strange, human-sized cat ordered.

Sakaki seemed completely unfazed by the overt rant as she gave Osaka a small, respectful bow. "My daughter, Chiyo, has been kidnapped by a terrible ogre," she gently explained. "Our seer has foreseen that the only one who can save her is you."

"A-an ogre?"

The uproar was immediately silenced as Yukari threw a brunette in white robes into the room. The strange woman had lit candles strapped to her head and a bizarre, metal wire that supported two small sheets of glass in front of her eyes. "Hey, you could be a little more gentle!" she admonished as Yukari nonchalantly left the room.

"Yomi!" the cat roared as his color shifted from red back to yellow. "Why… why is it that you have put my daughter's fate in this waif's hands?" he calmly yet menacingly asked as he shook about.

The seer seemed unable to believe her eyes as she took in the sight of Osaka. "This-this is the person with a strange manner of speech?" Yomi asked, completely baffled.

"That's what everyone's been on about fer some time now," Osaka answered her. "Ah don't understand it mahself, but apparently Ah'm some kinda hero."

"Uh-um…" Yomi hesitated after hearing Osaka talk. "As… implausible as it seems, the stones have told me that the one with a strange manner of speech with be the one to save your daughter," she defended herself to the scary cat-thing. "Fate does not lie! This girl will be able to save your daughter!"

Osaka smiled, suddenly confident of her non-existent ability to slay ogres.

Unbeknownst to everyone in the castle, a young man was entertaining everyone in a small pub nearby. He sported strange, golden hair and eyes as blue as the becalmed sea. The burly hero enthralled the patrons and staff alike in a broken tongue about hew he had slain many a jubjub and bandersnatch. He even claimed to have killed the mighty jabberwocky with his vorpal sword.

"This is unacceptable!" the cat boomed as he again turned red and even seemed to grow larger. "If you are so confident in her abilities, then you can accompany her to face the ogre!"

Yomi paled at the suggestion. "M-Milord, I am a seer, not a fighter."

"You will go!" he ordered. "Take Kagura with you! Do not return without my daughter!"

"Please, save our daughter," Sakaki implored as the duo were ushered out of the room.

Once again Osaka allowed herself to be led along by others. She found herself in the armory with the seer Yomi and a tomboyish samurai dressed in full armor that was apparently "Kagura". The two of them seemed quite content in arguing with each other while a worker in the armory threw leather and cloth over Osaka. "This stuff is supposed tah make me ogre-proof?"

"Err… yeah, sure," the young woman replied.

"I just don't get why you had to drag me into this," Kagura complained.

"I didn't! I wasn't supposed to go either!" the seer retorted.

Kagura grumbled as she adjusted the swords at her side. "It's your fault for saying that runt can take on an ogre."

"I didn't bring her here! The messenger Kaorin did!" Yomi defended herself. "How was I supposed to know the person with a strange manner of speech would be that half-pint? The stones don't lie, you know."

"I don't give a damn about your voodoo," the samurai growled. "It'd have been better if you just said to send everyone to go kill the ogre. Then at least I wouldn't have to do everything myself."

"You're the best samurai we've got," Yomi countered. "If anyone here can do it, it's you."

Kagura blushed a bit at the compliment. "Wh-whatever."

"You still have the option of becoming a ronin."

"I'm thinking about it," Kagura jokingly replied as she watched Osaka strain under the weight of the layers of armor. "Hey, are you all right?"

"It's… kinda heavy," Osaka struggled to speak. She tried to turn to face Kagura and Yomi, but as she shifted her weight, she lost her balance and fell flat on the floor. "Ahaha! That didn't hurt at all!" Osaka joyously noted. Her joviality was short lived, however, as she tried in vain to get up. "Ah'm stuck!" she panicked as she struggled to even move her arms and legs.

Kagura leapt to Osaka's aid. "Chihiro, help me get her up," she requested as she grabbed one of Osaka's arms.

The armory worker obliged as she grabbed Osaka's other arm and helped lift the girl to her feet. "I barely got half the armor on her."

"Ah still can't move," Osaka claimed as she tried to move any of her limbs in the layered armor. If it weren't for Kagura and Chihiro holding her up, she would have fallen over again.

"This isn't going to work," Chihiro conceded. "Help me get some of this off."

Kagura moved behind Osaka and looped her arms under Osaka's to hold her up while Chihiro worked to remove the armor. "She's supposed to fight an ogre without any armor?"

Chihiro was silent a moment as she replaced a sheet of leather onto a nearby rack. "I… ah… I was sort of under the impression that this girl was an exercise in folly and that you were going to be the one to kill the ogre and save the princess."

"Sounds about right," Yomi quipped.

"I wonder if being a ronin is so bad," Kagura contemplated as she continued to hold Osaka up. Once Osaka was out of the armor save a thin leather vest, Chihiro carefully pulled a katana off of a rack. "Uh… you might want to start her off with something lighter… and less sharp," Kagura cautioned as she backed away from Osaka.

Chihiro stopped in her tracks as she looked down at the curved blade in her hands. "Let's… start with something a little smaller," she agreed as she exchanged the katana for a wakizashi. "H-here," Chihiro offered as she presented the weapon to Osaka, "try this."

"Ah've never held a weapon before," Osaka happily grabbed the weapon from Chihiro. A bit overzealous, she immediately drew the weapon above her head. The sudden motion and the weight of the sword threw Osaka off balance. She stumbled about as she flailed the razor-sharp blade wildly. In the end, she fell backwards and the blade suck into the floor mere millimeters from Chihiro's foot.

Chihiro quickly grabbed up the blade. "Th-this might have been a bad idea," she claimed as she eagerly put the blade away. "M-maybe a tanto?"

"I'm starting to think giving her anything sharp is a bad idea," Kagura cautioned.

"We have to give her something," Chihiro persisted as she handed the sheathed dagger to Osaka.

Osaka eagerly pulled the blade from the sheath, but failed to keep a firm hold on the handle. The knife sailed through the air and stuck into the wall right above Yomi's head. The poor girl stood there motionless as one of the burning candles strapped to her head split and fell over. She tried to say something, but little more than a squeak came out as she slid down the wall, paralyzed by the near-death experience.

Kagura quickly intercepted the knife before Osaka had a chance to wrap her fingers around the handle. She then disdainfully snatched the scabbard from Osaka and replaced the knife into it. "You might be more dangerous than the ogre," she spat as she helped Yomi up. "Maybe your vision wasn't so far off after all."

"I, um… I have an idea," Chihiro offered. "I'm going to go to the kitchen. I'll be back soon."

"This is insane," Kagura mumbled after putting the tanto back in its place. "We should go back and beg for some kind of backup. Anything, really."

"He said not to come back without his daughter," Yomi cautioned as she stamped out the still burning candle that Osaka had inadvertently cut off. "I like my head where it is—still attached to my body."

"What about you?" Kagura asked as she turned to Osaka. "You have some sort of death wish or something?"

Osaka looked obliviously to the samurai. "Ah thought Ah was tha hero. Ain't we destined tah win?"

"I've spent my whole life believing in fate," Yomi mused as she adjusted her glasses. "Fate says you'll defeat the ogre and save Chiyo. I'm not so sure I believe in it anymore."

"I'm back!" Chihiro announced with a cooking pot in one hand and a leek in the other. She handed the leek to Osaka and dumped the pot on her head. "Here's your weapon and armor."

Kagura stared in amazement as Osaka bravely wielded the vegetable like a sword. "You can't be serious."

"We're all relying on you, Kagura," Chihiro cheered.

With their "hero" now fully equipped to take on the challenge, the unlikely trio gathered at the edge of town. Osaka was happily swinging her leek about, confident in her ability to save the day. Kagura and Yomi were not nearly as amused.

"The ogre dwells in the hills," Kagura announced as she pointed down a dirt path that led into a dense wood.

"I suggest we head that way," Yomi urged as she pointed down a different path that led to the sea. "We can start over someplace new."

"I am honor-bound to kill the ogre and rescue the princess or die trying," Kagura denied.

Yomi sighed as her shoulders slumped. "I was afraid you would say something like that," she lamented.

"Let's go slay tha ogre!" Osaka rallied as she started down the path.

Neither Yomi nor Kagura followed after. "It's this way," Kagura stopped the zealous would-be heroine as she marched towards the sea. "Weren't you listening at all?"

"Ah… no," she admitted as she changed course. "Let's go slay tha ogre!" she shouted again as she started down the correct path.

Yomi sighed as she cradled her head in her hand. "We're doomed."

Less than two kilometers down the trail, Osaka had gone from bravely leading the march to lagging far behind the other two. "Pick up the pace!" Kagura complained as she and Yomi came to a stop in order for Osaka to catch up.

"Ah'mma tryin'!" she shouted back as she tried to go faster. Her legs didn't like the idea. She immediately tripped and fell face-down in the dirt as her "helmet" fell off and rolled a small distance away.

"That looked painful," Kagura observed.

"Not as painful as getting ripped limb-from-limb by an ogre," Yomi countered.

Osaka rolled over and sat up, but made no effort to actually stand up. "Let's take a break!" she asserted.

Kagura and Yomi breathed a collective sigh as they resigned and plodded over to their would-be leader. "You're something else," Kagura mumbled as she scooped up the cooking pot and handed it back to Osaka.

"Ah might be able tah kill ogres, but all of this walkin' is really exhaustin'," Osaka complained.

"You're a dirt poor dirt farmer," Yomi derisively pointed out. "How are you so sure you can slay an ogre?"

"Y'all said Ah could," Osaka earnestly replied. "If Ah'm the mighty heroine, then Ah'm destined tah win. It'll be hard, there'll be alottah strugglin'," she began to paint a picture as she pointed to Kagura, "and Kagura will die nobly, but we'll win!"

"Why do I have to die?" Kagura argued. "Can't Yomi be the one?"

"Okay," Osaka agreed as she pointed to Yomi instead. "Yomi makes tha noble sacrifice."

"Oi, don't write me off so easily!" Yomi protested.

"Hey, did y'all bring any snacks?" Osaka changed the subject. "If we're all gonna take ah break, it'd be nice tah have somethin' tah eat."

Kagura hesitated before detaching a small sack from her back and unfolded it on the ground revealing a few rice balls. She then produced a bamboo container full of water. "This is all I brought."

Yomi shook her head. "I didn't bring anything," she claimed as she looked ravenously to the presented food.

Before the group had a chance to dig in, the sky suddenly darkened. In mere seconds it was as dark as night. As the sun fell black, several blue wisps appeared and floated about the air near the trio. Amongst the wisps a large, demonic head appeared. "If you value your lives, you will surrender your goods and flee!" the demon head roared, revealing large, gnarled teeth as fire flared from its mouth.

Kagura quickly drew her sword as Osaka began to flail her leek at the huge aberration. "Over my dead body!" Kagura proclaimed as she leapt at the monster.

Yomi paid the demon head no mind as she looked over to the food only to find the entire meal gone. A girl wearing a garb not unlike Osaka's was trying to skulk away with a rice ball in each hand and one in her mouth. Most peculiar were the orange and black, furry ears poking out of her head and the twin tails trailing behind her. Yomi quickly snatched one of the tails, causing the girl to yelp and drop the rice ball in her mouth. "Where do you think you're going?"

As soon as the girl yelped, the light of day shone again and the monster head evaporated into thin air. While Kagura stood there looking perplexed, Osaka triumphantly held up her leek. "I slayed tha monster!"

"No, the monster is over here," Yomi drew attention to the thieving girl.

As Kagura turned her blade to the girl, she rapidly devoured the rice ball in each hand. "Whach hief?" she claimed as she tried to innocently hold up her hands. Yomi seized the opportunity to grab the girl's arms and hold her hands behind her back.

"A thieving fox?" Kagura accused as she glared at the girl. "I've heard rumors of monsters robbing people along these roads. Yomi, hold her down. I'll solve this problem right now," she claimed as she brandished her sword.

"W-wait! You-you can't really just kill me!" the fox-girl pleaded as Yomi kept a fierce grip on the thief.

"You're a thief aren't you?" Kagura asked rhetorically. "And a monster to boot."

"I-I promise I won't do it again," she pleaded.

Osaka, having relished in her non-existent victory, finally noticed that all the food was gone and that there was suddenly another person present. "Who ate everythin'? And who're you?"

"I-I'm Tomo! Please don't let her kill me!" she begged as she struggled against Yomi's grasp.

Osaka tilted her head as she looked to Kagura. "Y'all aren't really gonna kill her, are yah?"

Kagura suddenly felt a little guilty as she lowered the katana a bit. "I… um…"

"She ate our food!" Yomi protested, still more than a little angry over the lost meal.

"Y'all can't just kill her," Osaka reasoned.

"Y-yeah! You can't kill me! I'll do anything!" Tomo pleaded.

"Well, I guess the runt is supposed to call the shots," Kagura relented as she sheathed her katana.

"She can help us! Tha heroine is supposed tah gather up a band ah misfits tah fight tha threat, right?" Osaka proclaimed.

Yomi grit her teeth as she reluctantly released the fox-girl. "Fine. You can help us save the princess and kill the ogre."

"Wha? Ogre?" Tomo stammered as her expression quickly morphed back towards fear. "Wow, look at the time!" she exclaimed as she looked to the sky. "I really should be going—"

Yomi quickly cut off Tomo's retreat by again grabbing one of her tails. "It's help us fight the ogre, or become intimate friends with Kagura's blade."

Tomo hung her head in defeat. "Yay… ogre," she said in a depressed manner as she held up a hand.

Completely missing the irony of Tomo's actions, Osaka also thrust her fist into the air. "Huzzah! Let's go save tha princess!"

As the group again set out onto the trail, Tomo fell in step with Yomi. "Why the hell are you going to go pick a fight with an ogre? That's stupid!" the fox-girl criticized.

"The same reason you are," Yomi retorted. "We'll be killed if we don't."

"Do we at least get a last meal or something?"

"You ate our last meal!" Yomi snapped.

"They argue like an old married couple," Kagura groaned.

Osaka turned to the duo with an indelible smile on her face. "Are y'all married?"

"What?" Yomi screeched as a blush appeared across her cheeks. "No!"

Kagura laughed at Yomi's expense. "You know, if you two wanna do it, now might be your last chance."

"Out here in tha open?" Osaka queried as Yomi's jaw dropped.

"Shut up! It's not like that!" Yomi yelled.

"It might not be such a bad idea," Tomo suggested as she looked Yomi over. "It really might be our last chance."

Yomi was taken aback as her blush spread across her entire face. "You! You all are just teasing me!"

The jovial mood was quickly cast aside as large tremors began to rock the small band of misfits. "Ahh! What is that?" Osaka panicked as she struggled to stay standing.

"It comes!" Kagura announced as she assumed a fighting stance and grabbed her hilt and scabbard.

Suddenly a giant fist thrust through the treetops and into view. Clutched tightly in the hand was a little girl with red hair tied into pigtails. "Kyaa! Save me!"

Osaka pointed as the trees felled over before the might of the behemoth. "It's tha big, ugly ogre!" Raucous laughter immediately followed. Osaka blinked a couple of times before looking to her left and to her right. Everywhere she looked she found her classmates trying their damnedest to stifle their laughter and failing miserably. _Must've fallen asleep_, she realized as she noticed that her arm was tired. Looking over she followed her shoulder to her outstretched arm to her hand to find herself pointing. As she traced her finger she found a very, very angry Yukari glowering at her.

"Ogre? Big!? UGLY!?" Yukari barked, her voice growing more enraged with every word.

"Ah! No!" Osaka protested as Yukari dumped a student out of their chair so that she could brandish it as a weapon.

The commotion in Yukari's classroom was loud enough that anyone out on the street could hear it plain as day. The entire building even seemed to shudder and jump with each impact as Yukari's wrath ensued.

"GRAAAAH!"

_WHAM!_

"Ah'm sorry!"

_POW!_

"Ah didn't mean tah!"

_CRASH!_

"Ah'd rather fight tha ogre!"

* * *

A/N: Just a silly little story I threw together. I haven't done a humorous story since Another Summer Trip so this was a pleasant diversion. I tried to cast all the members in roles that suited them. It was pretty fun to write.

By the way, Tomo was cast as a kitsune. A kitsune is a fox-spirit that is usually well-versed in the application of illusions. They run the gambit from benevolent to malevolent, but often play the role of trickster.

For those who are unfamiliar with Japanese terms, a short list of explanations follows.

Naginata: It's like a spear, but the blade is like that of a katana.

Wakizashi: Like a katana, only shorter.

Tanto: A dagger, usually designed for stabbing as opposed to slashing.

Ronin: A samurai that serves no master.


End file.
